MY ANTI 'BUCKET LIST'

1.  don't make crappy movie w Morgan Freeman

People are always referring to their "bucket list" and it always has a bunch of stuff that is really only good and life enhancing if it takes place naturally and not an item checked off of a to do list.  So, I thought I would make an anti bucket list of things I want to never do as  long as I'm alive ( If I get carted around dead a la Weekend at Bernies and end up doing some of these things it doesn't count).

 

ZIP LINING
As if the South Park episode weren't warning enough, now there is a girl in the hospital being eaten alive by a flesh eating virus that she came in contact with while zip lining with friends. So, long story short, I will never go zip lining.

GETTING A CELEBRITY AUTOGRAPH
This is something I want to make sure to never do.  I have always thought it was terribly embarrassing but it's also idiotic.  Even if I were in the presence of such huge celebrity talent as Wayne and Garth, I would not get their autographs.  ( they even signed different names on this photo. Something starting with 'm' and the other one starting with 'd'  .  Ha ha stupid fan!)

BECOME A WINE CONNOISSEUR
First of all, spelling 'connoisseur' is a pain in the ass, then you have to buy ridiculous accessories like this aerator.  The minute someone pulls out a silly gadget like this, you know it's going to be an annoying evening.  So, no, I am not going to play into that mess.  'A glass of Merlot please...'

RUNNING WITH THE BULLS IN SPAIN
 It seems like no one should have to announce that they don't want to run through crowded narrow streets with huge, crazed, horned bulls on your ass but this actually turns up on many peoples to do list.  Like the two guys in the picture.  Somehow they didn't foresee this turn of events.  Not for me.

The Wild Blue Yonder, 2009, collage - Javier Pinon

SPACE TRAVEL
I never want to go into space, live on a space station, travel the galaxy etc.   I have read way too much sci-fi, watched every episode of BSG, totally believe the rock monster theory in Apollo 18 and am very uncomfortable using breathing apparatus ( no scuba for me, thanks).  So I will hang back here on planet Earth and Richard Branson and whoever else can go launch themselves into the void without me.

ENTER A TRIATHLON

I don't know why anyone thinks that they are proving something to themselves or conquering lifes' obstacles with this activity.  It looks kind of self absorbed and neurotic to me plus those outfits are very unflattering!

WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD


If tomorrow I happen to be approached by Martin Scorsese to play a supporting role in his upcoming quirky drama and I happen to nail it like nobody's business and they nominate me for an Oscar, I will have to tell them that I will not come to the event thereby discouraging their vote.  Firstly, it's easily the most boring show on earth.  I would much rather watch Dance Moms or Restaurant Impossible.  Then there is the hellish nightmare of the red carpet.  Being pounced on by Joan Rivers and having to explain why I am wearing an ill fitting gown that I borrowed from a friend etc.  And of course, the mind numbing thank you speech that absolutely no one cares about except for that one person you didn't mention.  I am going to have to turn this one down.

Baldric through the ages

TIME TRAVEL

We know for certain that any time period lacking indoor plumbing is going to be impossible to handle for the modern nose.  That alone keeps me in the 20th century.  But also, it would only be fun to experience another period if you were wealthy and powerful.  Otherwise you could get into terrible trouble.  I think I will just go to reenactments and costume parties.

There are a few other things on my anti list like not becoming a senator, never writing a textbook and not going to a native American sweat lodge...

Anyway, I better get started not doing these things; time is ticking!